


A Sense of Rejection

by timeless_alice



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Autistic Character, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Julian has a cat, Julian/Rita if you want, Not Canon Compliant, episode 3x15 reaction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 22:29:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10202168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeless_alice/pseuds/timeless_alice
Summary: Sequel to A Sense of Belonging.Julian reacts to being forced to be Savitar's vessel again, and reacts to being alone again.





	

            Julian had left the lab without saying a word to anyone. Not that they would have cared, he supposed. Maybe they hadn’t even noticed he’d left, it wouldn’t be the first time he slipped away without anyone sparing a second glance.

            Against all odds he managed to keep himself together on the way home. He shoved all emotions behind iron walls and took deep, measured breaths like he’d done so many times before, a well learned response from his childhood. He ignored the heavy lump in his throat, and when he couldn’t still the shaking of his hands, he tucked them in his pockets to press knuckles against the rough inner seams. Of all his skills, he was most proficient in looking as if nothing was the matter.

            People paid him no mind the whole way, ignoring him as if he were nothing more than part of the background. Julian couldn’t really decide if he was relieved no one was stopping to ask if he was okay, or if he wished someone would acknowledge his existence in some way. Not that it really mattered, he thought as he dug his teeth into his cheek, no one cared one way or the other.

            By the time he was at his apartment door, the walls were crumbling. His eyes burned and the shaking in his hands had spread to the rest of his body, with each breath coming in more swift and shallow. The panic that he had been holding at bay, aggravated by new sense of betrayal, spilled past his defenses to clutch at his chest and crept up his throat to choke him with its icy fingers. His skin crawled and his heart pounded in his chest, thunderous in his ears as he fumbled to grab hold of his keys with hands that didn’t want to cooperate with him. Oh God, he prayed he could get inside before he had a complete breakdown in the hall.

            It took a few tries to jam the key in the lock, and each failure came with a growing feeling of self-loathing and thoughts of how pathetic he was. A small, hysterical laugh ore out of him when the lock clicked open, a sign he was at the end of what he could handle, and he could feel the heat of newly fallen tears trailing down his face. He couldn’t get inside fast enough.

            Julian shut the door behind him, not caring at all about the noise of it, and even didn’t bother to turn on the light before sinking to the floor. Everything he’d built up fell away, leaving him gasping for air as his mind replayed, over and over like it was some sort of broken record, the last few hours. The loss of control of himself, knowing he was nothing more than a mouthpiece, a puppet for some other worldly monster. The fact that Barry and Caitlin didn’t seem to care that he didn’t want to, that letting Savitar control him again was the last thing he wanted to do.

            Worst of all was the realization that he wasn’t their friend, on any level. They had only wanted him around for what he could do: his knowledge on metahumans, his connection to Savitar. Of course. Why should he have expected anything different, really? There wasn’t any particular reason for anyone to like him as a _person_ : he was too weird, and fidgety, and awkward. His service as a human resource, for whatever purpose someone had in mind, was his only redeeming quality.

            He felt like he couldn’t breathe, and he hated himself, swearing at how stupid he was to think that this time would be different, for opening himself to the possibility they actually liked him despite his clumsy social skills. But that wasn’t the case, it never was the case.

            So Julian sat in front of his door, with the lights still off, and let himself cry in loud sobs that wracked through his world body. A small part of him, one that sounded so much like his grandparents, scolded him for it but he didn’t care. He felt pathetic, and scared, and lonely, and they curled around each other to sit like a lead weight in his chest.

            A loud, piercing meow cut through the haze of his anguish. Julian lifted his head, mind clearing enough to bring him to the present, and he wiped at his eyes. Tears still fell, and he couldn’t stop himself from taking noisy gulps of air, but his vision was clear enough to make out the faint outline of Palla, who was stalking her way towards him. She planted her paws on his thigh, and rammed her head against his arm.

            “Hello Palla,” he said in a shaky, watery voice. He shifted how he was sitting to let her climb onto his lap, where she began kneading his legs and purring. He scratched behind her ear and she leaned against his touch. “At least you like me.” Though he wasn’t exactly sure a cat counted for much of anything.

            Soon after, his phone came to life for just a moment with an incoming message, enough to startle Palla but not enough to force her off her spot. Julian paused a moment, wondering who it could be, running through the list of names it could be. Most of which he had no desire to see any contact from, though a nagging part of him suggested it could be work and having a case to work on might be good for him, even if it just served as another reminder that he had valuable skills to be used and exploited.

            Taking long, deep breaths in one last attempt to ground himself, in case it was work, he fished the phone out of his pocket to glance at the screen. The little notification showed him that it wasn’t from either work or even someone at STAR, it was from Rita. His throat tightened, and he didn’t even read the message on the screen, he didn’t- he didn’t want to think that she was just using him, too.

            He turned off the phone and put it on the floor, leaving himself cut off from everyone. It was better that way.

 

***

**Rita** : hey jules

**Rita** : one of those star people just texted me (did you give them my number??) bc you vanished and theyre worried but didn’t think youd want to talk to them

**Rita** : are you okay??

**Rita  
** Missed Call

**Rita** : okay im kinda freaked out now can you please call me when you can

**Rita** : julian i have to go to work soon and i really dont know whats wrong but i want you to know youre my best friend and you can talk to me whenever your upset okay??

**Author's Note:**

> Not canon compliant because what happened to Wally was general bullshit, but the Julian angst was too good to pass up.
> 
> i'm timelessmulder on tumblr if y'wanna come and bother me


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